may is mental health awareness month
I kind of really hate the term “mental health”. It separates what is visible and what is invisible. We don’t ever say that we are talking care of our “physical health”. It sounds silly. But why can’t we just take care of our health? No matter if it is your mental health or your physical health.
Obviously, there needs to be scientific terms to differentiate what is internal and external. It just bothers me that mental health and physical health are not taken to the same seriousness, mental health is often overlooked and there is still a stigma for struggling internally.
I used to be scared of the judgement in the idea that I overshare my mental health struggles. I still feel like that in some instances. I don’t want people to think that it is for attention, that it is a cry for help, that I am flat out annoying or that I make it a personality trait.
I talk about my struggles because I know that there are people who put up a front that are going through similar things but are too scared to say anything. I know that because I was once that person. I recognize the proclivities that align with mental illness- especially within my closest friends.
My goal for sharing, sometimes in a sarcastic way and sometimes very seriously, is to break the sigma. I don’t want people’s pity. In fact, I want people to know that I have gotten to a point in my life where I am strong enough to have a conversation about it. There’s not a day that goes by though that sometimes I wish people didn’t know all of these super personal things about me because I don't want them to define me. But if it takes me being vulnerable to help someone else, it is all worth it. I guess that’s the price I pay for having a big heart.
…
I spent a lot of time with myself this year battling out the demons. I suffered so many losses, celebrated few wins and felt so utterly stuck. Yet, people continuously envied me for the way that “I have my shit together” or the way that “I have my entire life planned out”. To an extent, yes, I do but it doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle. And I really make it look like I don't struggle. Don't be so quick to believe your fixated social media feed.
I genuinely appreciate the way people recognizing my hard work, involvement and success. I know that I am ahead of a lot of my peers in specific areas of life. But truly, there is no reason to compare my success to others when our personal goals differ. Realistically, we came from different places and we aren’t provided with the same resources. Our starts have a great effect on our finish.
Factors as such aren’t always taken into consideration for the pressure put on personal success. People know my potential and never forget to tell me. I love that and I need those reminders. But I feel so forced to live up to other's expectations because I know how much they expect out of me. I hate feeling like I let people down. It is something I am currently working on in therapy.
I give and give and give until I’m burnt out. I let people take advantage of me, my time and my talent. But every day I still show up to where I need to be with a big smile on my face. You’d truly never know I was struggling with anxiety, depression, disordered eating and body dysmorphia if you didn’t dig a little deeper.
Honestly, there are days when I can’t get out of bed because depression that day got the best of me. There have been nights where I hit rock bottom from an anxiety attack and the only thing that can calm me down is my roommates gentle embrace. There have been time periods in my life where my reflection in the mirror told me that I wasn’t allowed to eat dinner. There were mornings where I would force myself to be at the gym at 5am and not leave until my apple watch hit "700 calories burned" just so I could feel something. I got into a horrible habit of not eating before I went out because I though the food would make me look bloated. And there are still days that I struggle to take my antidepressant because it is hard to feel like I need a pill to properly function like the rest of my friends can.
Despite all of these internal struggles, I have come to terms in understanding that it I can't do it all. I understand that it is more than okay to ask for help; in my case it was necessary. And when I started doing the things that truly make ME happy instead of for the opinions of other people, it is all so worth it.
So, get to know people. Like REALLY get to know them. Be intentional with your words and actions. Go to therapy. Invest in yourself. Be gentle with others. Everyone is going through something that they don’t talk about. Take care of your health. And never forget to prioritize yourself.