Dear Little Kenzie,
As for you as a person:
Anyone else isn’t you. Don’t change for the benefit of other people. Lean into who you are. People love you for the way that you make others feel so loved- how raw and pure your heart is. Lean into your sensitivity. It does not make you weak. Honestly, if you took away that personality trait, you aren’t you anymore. Take that away and you take away your intuition, ability to empathize, appreciation for the little things, keen awareness to how others hurt, desire for change, and the genuine peace you wish for people who are rooting against
you.
Ask yourself often if your decisions are aligning with the life you are envisioning for yourself. Ask yourself if you can be stronger, kinder, more compassionate. Ask yourself if you are intentionally listening or if you are just waiting to speak. Ask yourself if the people you are surrounding yourself with are bettering you. Reflection determines your progress.
I beg you to remember that not everyone has your best interest. Some people are temporary. Some come and go as they please- don’t tolerate them. You are going to grow apart from people and that is okay. They were meant to teach you a lesson. Don’t let it discourage you from your genuine relationships. You’ll stumble across people who make you a better version of yourself. Don’t lose sight of them, hold onto them tight.
If it makes you happy it doesn’t have to make sense to others. Buy a nice camera. Take photos. Write. Start a blog. Tune into your creativity. Ignite your passion for mental health. Start a business. Use your voice. Take chances. Follow your dreams. Be a leader.
Nobody is going to do it for you.
Nobody is going to show up every day to challenge you.
Nobody is going to make the difficult decisions for you.
Nobody is going to force you to get help.
Nobody is going to get you out of bed.
Nobody is going to know the answer except for you.
You must do it for yourself.
As for you as a soccer player:
As much happiness as this sport brings you, it has left you with strenuous trials and tribulations from the start of your career until the end. You are going to go through what for most would be a career ending injury. You are going to be homeschooled for a while. You are going to be hurting both mentally and physically. You are going to hit your all-time low. Don’t feel sorry for yourself. I beg you to tune out the people who taunted you in saying that you’ll never be the same athlete that you once were. Work in silence. Your comeback is going to be loud.
College soccer allows you to reflect inwards. It brings issues to the surface that you tried to shove deep away. I sit here writing this letter and hurt for my freshman-year-self. Truthfully, you aren’t going to be ready for the rapid change to your body, your health and your sense of worthiness. Listen when I tell you that you are more than a number on the scale. You are more than the score on the beep test. You are more than the calories you burn and consume each day. I want you to try to love your body for all that it does for you. I want you to try not to be so harsh when you look in the mirror. I want you realize that food is not your worst enemy. I want you to ask for help, sooner rather than later. As a senior, I look back and realize I was my own worst enemy. I’m sorry for everything. For not loving myself as much as I should have, for burning myself out and for making myself feel like I wasn’t enough at times.
As for YOU- with and without soccer:
Soccer is more than a game. It is single-handedly shaped you into who you are as a person. I think about all the people I wouldn’t have met if it wasn’t for soccer, and I crumble. The competitive game is a foundation for every challenge life is going to throw at you. I know that because I’m sitting at the end of the tunnel with the light beaming on the back of my neck.
Soccer is only a form of identity. It doesn’t define you and it most definitely doesn’t define your worth. You’re going to have to step away from the pitch- the place you’ve discovered so much about yourself. But Kenz, you don’t lose it when you walk away. Trust me when I tell you that your future is bright, and things do get better. I am so proud of you.
Love always,
A more complete version of you